Boris "Bubs" Malloy
Hey college sports fans. Pull up a seat, I want to have a quick chat with you.
Look, I know you love your teams more than members of your extended family. I know you show up eight hours early for games and stay to party/mourn for another four hours after it ends. That is great; really, I love the passion. That passion is totally warranted … on game day.
You know where that passion isn’t warranted? On a ferry in the middle of the goddamn summer when the season is still over a month away. Alas, that’s where a two couples – who also happened to be avid football fans – decided to have out their differences, resulting in two arrests.
One side represented Ohio State, the other Michigan. Neither side represented sanity. If you’re going to fight over sports, reserve those tussles for tailgate parking lots, divey sports-bars, or a third party’s living room. Don’t have it out on public transportation and provide a massive inconvenience to everybody else. Especially when the season is so far away.
What happened guys? Did the other couple insult your starting quarterback, whoever that’s going to be?
It really is an exercise in futility for us to lecture you on keeping the assaults to a minimum. Instead, we’ll do what we do best: shake our heads, throw up our arms, and set the odds on where the next NCAA-related public disturbance will come from.
Odds on the next public fight between NCAA fans:
Which NCAA rivalry will start the next public fight between fans?
- Alabama vs. Auburn – 5/1
- Ohio State vs. anybody – 6/1
- Michigan vs. Michigan St. – 8/1
- Georgia vs. Florida – 10/1
- UNC vs. Duke – 11/1
- Notre Dame vs. USC – 15/1
- Stanford vs. Cal – 18/1
- Kentucky vs. Indiana – 18/1
- Field – 3/1
On what mode of transportation will the next public fight between fans take place?
- Bus – 5/1
- Plane – 6/1
- Train – 7/1
- Boat – 8/1
- The lineup of a Popeyes – 1/1
[While not technically a mode of transportation, the good people at Popeyes will get your bowels moving!]
Who will be the participants in the next public fight between fans?
- all males – 3/2
- mixed genders – 2/1
- all females – 5/2
- people vs. an actual representation of the rival college’s mascot (good luck, Georgia) – 50/1
Over/under the number of participants arrested: 2.5
Will alcohol be involved?
- Yes – 1/9
- No – off
[Do you even have to ask?]
(Photo Credit: adamglanzman (Flickr)[CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)
