While other media outlets are trying to make news out of a professional football player’s intent to win a starting job …
Brock Osweiler intends to win the Browns' starting job https://t.co/k40JjTUGrJ
— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) June 14, 2017
… we, just like Roger Goodell, know exactly what you want: a more entertaining offseason experience. And the best way to provide you with such entertainment is by looking ahead at what’s in store for next season. But rambling about which teams will be good and which might as well not suit up in September (cough, Jets) is so 2016. NFL fans have so much more to pontificate on ahead of the 2017 season, because it’s going to look much different than any other over the past decade.
No, not because the Browns are going to make the playoffs, but because we’ll get to see the sport’s unique personalities express themselves on the field. I’m talking choreographed group dances; I’m talking snow angels; I’m talking any and all manner of post-touchdown celebration being crafted without the fear of being fined! (Ok, maybe not all manner. Antonio Brown’s twerking will still be punished.) Nonetheless, the league’s about-face on celebrations is very exciting for both players and fans.
It’s time we forecast what will come of the NFL’s loosened stance. Which team will showcase the most creative touchdown celebration? Will we see the classic bowling strike celly? And will Antonio Brown stop twerking? Though you will have to tune in to the 2017 NFL season for concrete answers, we can at least provoke your imagination.
(DirecTV, we’ll send you a name to throw on the check for the endorsement.)
NFL Celebration Odds
Odds the ball will be used as a _____
- Ball from another sport: 1/99
After watching Kevin Durant shoot the lights out in the NBA Finals, you know everyone has been working on their fadeaway. And don’t rule out someone displaying their putting form, either.
- Fire: 9/11
Somebody call … (I’m so lame.)
- Baby: 1/1
When the game’s over, it’s time to go to sleep.
- Camera: 1/1
Everyone say cheese!
- Musical instrument: 5/4
- Person in need of a defibrillator: 3/2
- Power tool: 13/7
- Plate of food: 2/1
One of my personal favorites: serving up hot and fresh touchdowns.
- Grenade: 4/1
- Bull/horse: 5/1
“What are you doing, riding a bull? You’re acting like a damn fool!”
- Sword: 5/1
- Gun: 9/1
The latter will surely get you fined, but the former may get by if your fencing form is on point.
- Hot potato: 9/1
- Lover: 10/1
Is it obscene if he stops at first base?
- Alcohol: 12/1
- Doobie: 12/1
The NFLPA wants players to be able to treat pain with cannabis. This would be quite the statement.
- Fecal matter: 19/1
Give them one inch and they’ll take a mile.
Odds to be used as a prop in a celebration
- Goal post: 2/3
- Orange pylon: 4/5
- Bag of popcorn: 5/3
- Sharpie: 7/3
- Pom Poms: 3/1
Can we put Terrell Owens in the Hall of Fame already?
- Cell phone: 7/2
Phone calls are so 2000, they’ll likely be taking a selfie or posting on social media.
- Broadcast camera: 5/1
- Fan: 9/1
The Lambeau Leap doesn’t count.
- Alcoholic beverage: 12/1
If LeBron James can pick up a beer, why can’t Cam Newton?
- Medical cart: 15/1
Marshawn Lynch came back for only one reason.
Odds to be performed after a touchdown
- Salsa: 1/19
- A Michael Jackson dance: 1/19
Whether it be the Moonwalk, the choreography to Thriller, or any other move from the king of pop that my hips don’t agree with, it’s going to happen. I say Odell Beckham Jr pulls it off best.
- Busting down the door: 1/3
- Gymnastics routine: 1/2
I don’t claim to know gymnastics very well, but I’d definitely pay to watch someone pull off any of these flips.
- Dab: 1/1
Why won’t you go away?
- Robot: 5/3
- Twerk: 2/1
With all the other moves available, why do the one that will get you fined?
- Mime display: 7/3
- Whip/Nae-Nae: 7/3
That’s so 2015. We want creativity here!
- Funky Chicken (Billy “White Shoes” Johnson): 5/2
- Hula: 5/2
- Worm: 3/1
- Carlton: 4/1
- Ickey Shuffle: 4/1
It would be a great way for Joe Mixon to win over some of the fans.
- Hammertime: 6/1
I have my fingers crossed that someone will hide parachute pants in the endzone for this one.
- Deion Sanders’ Primetime high-step: 7/1
- The Ray Lewis: 7/1
A little overdone, don’t ya think?
Odds to have the highest celebration-to-touchdown ratio (min. five TDs)
- Odell Beckham Jr: 11/3
- Antonio Brown: 4/1
- Cam Newton: 5/1
- Marshawn Lynch: 8/1
- Ezekiel Elliott: 9/1
- Travis Kelce: 12/1
- FIELD: 13/2
Without the minimum touchdown requirement, JJ Watt or Von Miller would be the easy choice. I give OBJ the slight nod over Brown, because I see Brown choking up a little when he realizes he can’t resort to twerking.
Odds to be performed after a touchdown
- Fun Bunch: 2/1
It’s too big a classic not to be recreated.
- Irish step dancing: 3/1
- Bowling pins: 7/2
- Macarena: 7/2
- Conga: 4/1
- Hokey pokey: 4/1
The NFL will soon find out what it’s all about.
Please, anything but “Achy, Breaky Heart”.
- Bunny Hop: 19/1
- Wobble: 24/1
- Duck-duck-goose: 33/1
Though our Canadian friends’ version was awesome, it just takes too long.
Over/under total teams who engage in a group celebration: 26.5
The Jets may never score, and you know Bill Belichick will have none of that.
Odds to see an offensive linemen-only group celebration: 4/1
The big boys like to have fun, too. Dallas and Tennessee’s front-fives deserve to celebrate, but don’t count out the Browns’ bunch, since they are the most competitive part of the team.
Odds to have the highest group celebration-to-touchdown ratio
- Carolina Panthers: 4/1
- New York Giants: 4/1
- Pittsburgh Steelers: 6/1
- Oakland Raiders: 8/1
- Dallas Cowboys: 9/1
- Seattle Seahawks: 10/1
- FIELD: 5/1
Cam Newton and Odell Beckham Jr will have their teams ready for the 2017 season.